<!– by The Shovel –> After another harrowing day in court that revealed yet more horrific detail about his time in the Middle East, former Aussie soldier and all-round family man Ben Roberts-Smith remembered that he was actually the fucking idiot who...
<!– by The Shovel –> Canberra residents are on high alert this evening after authorities detected what appeared to be traces of honesty and decency in wastewater samples. Experts quickly dismissed the news, saying the sample – which would be the...
<!– by The Shovel –> The Opposition has come within a whisker of developing a plan for the future, it has been revealed. Sources say the party room was shaken by the close call. “There was a discussion which was heading very quickly towards an...
<!– by The Shovel –> A friend who moved to Byron Bay three years ago to reconnect with her inner energy field, says you will instantly change your mind about vaccinations after you watch 60 hours of YouTube footage she has personally curated for you....
<!– by The Shovel –> Australia’s homeopaths, energy healers and wellness professionals have reported a surge in demand, after a ‘strange and unexplainable’ increase in flu-like symptoms amongst their customers. Carrol Straitjakit from the Alternative...
<!– by The Shovel –> Thousands of protesters in Sydney and Melbourne believe that a government that misplaced $60 billion last year, had to bribe voters to secure the election and can’t even manage to organise a vaccine rollout with 18 month’s notice...
<!– by The Shovel –> The number of new cases of Fuckwit in Sydney has hit four figures, with several similar outbreaks reported across the country. A cluster of confirmed cases of Fuckwit – also known as ‘Dumbfuck’ or ‘Selfish Wanker’ – was first...
<!– by The Shovel –> NSW has urgently pulled forward extra doses of pepper spray to help deal with a growing outbreak of fuckheadery in central Sydney. NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian said she had asked other state Premiers to divert supplies to NSW,...
<!– by The Shovel –> Saying he wanted the inaccessibility of vaccines to be open to as many Australians as possible, Greg Hunt today confirmed that the Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) has added children aged 12-25 to the list of recipients who...
<!– by The Shovel –> Admitting that he regrets not confronting the issue earlier, a repentant Scott Morrison says he is now willing to accept that he, and he alone, is responsible for Brisbane’s successful bid for the 2032 Olympic Games. “This one’s...
<!– by The Shovel –> Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk says the 2032 Brisbane Olympics – confirmed yesterday – will be a chance to welcome people from the entire Australasian region, provided the border with New Zealand is open at that...
<!– by The Shovel –> Fulfilling a longtime dream, Amazon founder and world’s richest man Jeff Bezos said his 10 minute sub-orbital journey today gave him a totally new way of looking down on his company’s workers. “They seem so tiny and...
<!– by The Shovel –> Former Attorney General and supposed legal expert Christian Porter has been ordered by the Federal Court to pay theatre and film producer Jo Dyer more than half a million dollars, in what he described as a humiliating backdown by...
<!– by The Shovel –> Prime Minister Scott Morrison has confirmed that a new shipment of at least two million excuses – originally earmarked for October – will arrive in Australia as soon as next week. The new deliveries will replace stocks already...
<!– by The Shovel –> Barely a month after the conclusion of the 2021 G7 meeting in Cornwall, the leaders of the world’s largest economies have urgently reconvened to acknowledge the Australian Prime Minister’s achievement of not doing a shit in his...
<!– by The Shovel –> Three year old Felix Simpson was today seeking interview requests from commercial radio networks after successfully lasting the day without doing a poo in his nappy. While absolutely no-one had asked to hear about the Melbourne...
<!– by The Shovel –> A Chinese ship that approached the Queensland coast in the hopes of undermining Australian democracy has packed it in after accidentally catching an episode of Outsiders. “We were planning to weaken the fabric of Australian...
<!– by The Shovel –> NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has urged the COVID-19 virus to take a common-sense approach to the pandemic and not infect people within the community unless absolutely necessary. Speaking directly to the virus at today’s press...
<!– by The Shovel –> A couple who has been separated from their family in Australia since 2019 has been told to show a little more hatred towards minority groups if they want to be considered for entry into the country. “We accept that your mother is...
<!– by The Shovel –> Scott Morrison has offered words of support to those dealing with lockdown, saying he knows what it’s like to do absolutely nothing at all. In a Facebook video this afternoon, Mr Morrison said he stood with everyone in New South...
<!– by The Shovel –> Having done the hard yards himself, Sydney man Jeremy Richards says he’s more than happy to pass on a few tips to his mates in Melbourne on getting through the slog of a COVID-19 lockdown. In a Facebook post, the Bondi man said...
<!– by The Shovel –> A niche movement that began life in Bondi is starting to go big in Melbourne, marking the very first time anything that’s originated in Sydney has actually taken hold in the Victorian capital. “Usually we wait to see what...
<!– by The Shovel –> With the Tokyo Olympics set to begin next week, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has reminded Australia’s runners and swimmers that it’s not a competition. “It’s not a race. It’s not a competition. Every single one of you will get...
<!– by The Shovel –> Those queuing for a COVID test in the Sydney suburb of Fairfield can expect some relief when a new government funded carpark is built there in 2028. Prime Minister Scott Morrison confirmed the funding yesterday, saying he is...
