Republican Party leaders say they have become aware of a deadly new virus called ‘COVID-19’ which has been devastating America since Wednesday. Outraged GOP lawmakers said the virus was getting out of control, and blamed the Biden administration for doing nothing to...
Latest The Shovel Stories
Rambling, Deranged Florida Man Claiming To Be President Of United States
A Florida man, believed to be in his 70s, has been telling passers by that he is the leader of the free world. As authorities were called to the scene, witnesses say the man was erratic and anxious, at one point claiming he had been robbed. “He kept saying ‘They stole...
‘Let’s Not Politicise Cricket’ Says Man Who Literally Fucking Politicises Cricket
“Cricket and politics don’t mix,” says a politician who ‘filled in’ as an overweight water boy during a limited overs match in order to increase his everyman appeal amongst 35-65 year-old male voters living in suburban Sydney and Brisbane. Responding to Cricket...
Fox News Calls Election For Donald Trump
Saying it was impossible to see a way for Joe Biden to win from here, Fox News has called the US Presidential Election for Donald Trump. As Joe Biden took to the stage to take the oath of office, a panel of Fox experts said the paths to the White House had all but...
Trump Leaves Poignant Letter For Biden, Reminding Him That His Ratings On The Apprentice Were Very, Very High
Continuing the tradition started by Ronald Regan, Donald Trump has left a letter for his successor, using the opportunity to remind the incoming president that The Apprentice received some of the highest ratings we’ve seen in a very long time. Trump’s letter, which he...
America Breathes Sigh Of Relief After Inaugurating Reassuringly Mediocre President
Chanting ‘USA! USA!’ Americans have excitedly taken to the streets to celebrate after electing a president that commentators have gushingly described as ‘okay’ and ‘much better than the last guy’. Emotional voter Emily Vanson said it was hard to put into words how she...
Victorians Stuck In NSW Have Had Plenty Of Time To Become Professional Tennis Players, Andrews Says
Victorians complaining about being stranded in New South Wales due to the hard border closure have only themselves to blame, Daniel Andrew says, pointing out they have had weeks to qualify for the Australian Open. “Victorians have known for a long time now that the...
Craig Kelly Vows To Block Anyone Who Doesn’t Agree With His Free Speech
Free speech crusader and insane conspiracy theorist Craig Kelly says that people on Facebook should be free to say the full range of things he agrees with, vowing to block anyone who disagrees. The Liberal backbencher said he will move swiftly to remove any comments...
Trump To Begin New Role At Sky News Australia
Donald Trump will take up a weekly spot on Australia’s Sky News After Dark, as soon as his presidential term is over, ending weeks of speculation about what the President will do in retirement. Trump will join fellow Sky commentators Alan Jones, Cory Bernardi, Rowen...
San Diego Zookeepers Knew Something Wrong When Gorillas Started Hoarding Toilet Paper
A group of gorillas at San Diego zoo who tested positive for COVID-19 this week first set alarm bells ringing when they amassed more than a thousand roles of toilet paper in their enclosure. Zookeeper Sandra Ainsley said she knew something might be wrong when she saw...
“Facts Are Contentious” Says Former Heroin Addict Michael McCormack
“Facts are contentious and what you think is right, somebody else might think is completely untrue,” the Deputy Prime Minister, who depending on your version of events may or may not have resorted to prostitution in the late 1990s in order to fund a heroin addiction,...
“People Should Be Able To Say Whatever They Want, Unless It’s About Me In Filipino Strip Clubs”, George Christensen Says
Queensland MP and Trump fanatic George Christensen has slammed Twitter’s ban on the US President, saying people should be able to say whatever they want on social media, unless it’s about the 28 times he allegedly travelled to Manila to visit titty bars, in which case...
Australians Planning To Take Over Capital Chuck It In After Realising They’d Have To Go To Canberra
A group of activists looking to mimic the events in the US by storming Parliament House have pulled the plug, after someone pointed out it would mean going to Canberra. “I’m all for taking back our country and freedom and that, but you gotta draw the line somewhere,”...